Who Needs Sleep

2006-12-12T11:26:00.000-08:00

I don't care...

2006-12-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking to myself how many times a day I mutter the words "I don't care." Let me tell you it's a lot. Maybe I should try to curb that, I don't know.
I don't care.
There it is again! There are a ton of things in the world I care about. If you are reading this you are one of those things. Then there's the environment, smelling nice, my dog and cat, whipped cream, my Kev, and of course Maya Bean.
Then there's all this other stuff. The fluff. you know how when you go on vacation, or to a special event there's always the drive and it always sucks because you anticipate the event so much Yeah, that's life baby. The drive. Just coasting along waiting for the next event.
Someone's going to catch me goofing off and writing a blog. Guess what?
I don't care.

The Radio Still Sucks

2006-11-29T06:55:00.000-08:00

What has the music industry come to? I LOVE music! I would love to be able to make it my life, but then I think about where it's at and decide I can't be a part of it.
We are force fed music through Cox and Clear Channel. They don't care if it's good. They care if it can make the most money. Honestly, do you think Bruce Springsteen would ever make it in the industry today? How about REM? No, they wouldn't. They aren't beautiful and pointless. They aren't spending an entire song, hell, an entire album talking about how they're going to get laid. Granted, most of the time I fall hardest for bands and artists that aren't mainstream, but the mainstream today is boring and trite.
Why is it that no matter what genre they are, I have to make the bands I like friends on MySpace to find out if they put out a new single, or are on tour? To cite a few examples: Flogging Molly, Rancid, Ben Folds, Barenaked Ladies, Weird Al...I think that's pretty diverse.
It just sickens me that we have to put up with it. Gone are the days of the point 102.5 that played entire albums and didn't have a format that only allowed them to play the same 12 songs over and over. Gone are the days of 95.7 where we could at least hear some "adult alternative."
IF I could get 88.5 to play things more than once so I can decide if I like it or not that would be great, but as it stands it seems they're no help either.
Maybe I need to move to a different radio market so I can feel less jaded.

I Got Tagged...

2006-11-24T12:16:00.000-08:00

(From MySpace)

TAG!
Tag You're it!

The first player of this game starts with the "7 odd and weird things/habits about yourself" People who get tagged need to write a blog of their 7 weird things/ habits, as well as state these rules clearly for the others to follow. At the end you need to choose 7 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comment section and tell them to read yours.

1.) I can't take being rubbed. I guess my skin's pretty sensitive so if you lightly rub my arm over and over it feels like I'm getting an "indian burn."

2.) I ALWAYS dry myself off the same way and wash myself the same way. If I try to switch it up I stand in the shower confused for a while. It's funny to watch.

3.) I obsess abot my eyebrows. I swear that when I do not pluck them they are too far down on my face and make me look neandrothol-like.

4.) I am an over-taster. I can honestly tell you the difference between Bud Light and Michelob light. I really do taste chocolate and leather in a really bold red wine. It's cool though. I was trying to explain to Kev how sugar has more of a flavor than just sweet to me, but words fell short.

5.) Hallmark commercials can spontaneously make me cry, while the words Bean Crock still will make me laugh uncontrollably in the right situation.

6.) I really do have three nipples, and yes, they all work.

7.) I hum a ditty to myself when I have completed a task. Maybe it's too many years of gaming, but I can't stop. It's subconcious!

...and so this is Christmas...

2006-11-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a very interesting Christmas. I'm going to be changing my tradition that I've had basically since birth. It's Maya's first Christmas. There's not going to be a Christmas Eve / Festivus with Tacos. Hmm... It makes one think.

I truly believe that your close friends are the family that you choose. It's been a crazy year with the pregnancy and all, and the people who were right there with me through it all were my internal family, and my dear friends. I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my external family is breaking up. After my grandmother died it seemed that we all shed our pretenses. I don't think necessarily that she was the "glue" that held the family together, but I do think that people put on facades to make it seem that everything was ok. It hasn't been ok in a long time. The people I spend Christmas day with every year are strangers to me. I thought for sure that I knew them, but now that I am an adult I know that I don't. The people who I thought they were were kind, and caring, full of love and laughter, and were always there to back eachother up as family should are not that at all. It's a shame. They were all so tied up in their own messes that they couldn't take a time out to greet a brand new member to the family. I try not to be angry about it, it's not their fault that they are so selfish. I just know that I can't be there for them. Again, they have become strangers.

...It's going to be a strange Christmas.

A letter to Maya

2006-11-13T08:26:00.000-08:00

I've debated posting this for a while. I think that I need a swift kick though, and in some ways putting it out there for all to see is a weird way of making me accountable.

Dearest Maya-Bean,
I love you more than I could ever imagine loving anyone. I have not been fair to you though. You see, I have had a terrible habit of smoking cigarettes since I was 13 years old. I quit in anticipation of you for a good two years. Then I mistakenly thought that I could just have one or two socially with friends. This was not the case, and I starting smoking all the time again. Then I found out I was pregnant with you. I quit again immediately, and thought you were a bit of a wake-up call on that. You came into the world on 8/11/06 and my life changed forever. I again thought that I could socially smoke after you were born, and am in the process of making the same exact mistake. I'm sorry to have let you down so soon. Please know that I want nothing more than to be the best mommy to you that I can. I will make mistakes, and I'm sorry for that.
I want you to know that I don't want to take that path again. I have quit in the past for less important reasons and been successful, so I have no doubt that I can. I have decided to make every effort to stop this in its tracks. I may slip again, but please know that I don't want to. I know you can smell it and it smells yucky to you. I know you can taste it in my milk. It's not fair and it has to stop. You are my world, and I would die for you. Therefore I should also live for you.
~Love, Mommy

Norman Rockwell Eat Your Heart Out!

2006-11-10T08:46:00.000-08:00

I just had to share...

I got home with the Maya-monster last night at around 6:30. She had napped all the way home and was peaceful, and content. She sat in her Boppy while I took care of the household stuff. Then I changed her diaper, and she smiled and cooed at me. I lifted her to me and held her close. I felt as if my heart would burst with all the love I felt. I sat down and began to nurse her. I stroked her hair as she nuzzled close to me. She finished eating and her eyes became droopy. I told her I didn't want her to sleep because I hadn't had enough time to love on her. She fought it, but was losing the battle with her heavy lids. I wrapped her in her blanket and cuddled her. As she started to drift I softly sang, "What a Wonderful World." Her eyes shut completely just as I sang, "oooohhh yeah." I kissed her tiny forehead, said, "I love you," and laid her down to sleep.

That makes it all worth it.

Screw Brighthouse

2006-10-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Around the middle of September a Brighthouse Tech came a knockin at my door. He informed me that Brighthouse was upgrading everyone's cable boxes. He installed a DVR at my house. I swear I asked him at least three times what the charges were and he said it was free because we had so many services with them.

So I'm trying to figure out my finances today-looking over my bills, and deciding who gets paid and who has to wait. (Unpaid maternity leave is a bitch.) Lo and behold I was billed for the DVR service. When I called Brighthouse they had no idea what I was talking about. They told me I can exchange the DVR for my good old digital box, but that if I kept the DVR I'd be charged their monthly fee of $6.95. I thought the whole thing was shady and unscrupulous, but that's ½ the price of Tivo, so I decided I'd just stick with the DVR (which annoys the heck out of us) and cancel my Tivo service.

I called Tivo and told them I hated to do it, but I had to cancel because of the price difference. They were upset. The rep said, "But you've been a customer for over five years! What can we do to work this out? What if we match their price?" I said sure, I'd hold on to my Tivo.

DONE.

TIVO RULES!

Just when everything's good...

2006-07-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

...someone takes a shit in your corn flakes.
Just to summarize, Kev and I are expecting Maya anytime from now through the next 3-4 weeks or so. We've been stressing.
Kev's been trying to get a job with WUSF for over a month. The boss there made it seem like he was a shoe-in, but never returned calls. Well, he finally got the call on Monday. His first day will be 8/1. WOO HOO!
Our bathtub has issues. Namely watery issues. We lost a few tiles last week. When checking out our options, we find that there are these enclosures that seem pretty easy to install (yeah , right, nothing's easy in this house!) and are pretty inexpensive. I'm not so stressed over that anymore.
The baby's room is nearing completion. Nice.
My mom flat out told me she's buying the pack n' play this week. Whew!
I took Toby to a specialist last week thinking that I would probably be faced with the descision to turn my dog over to the rescue that I got him from. I just can justify dropping another $2K on him when I have a baby to think about. Surprise! There's a treatment out there we haven't tried that is a fraction of the cost! I wish I'd seen a specialist sooner.
Daycare. I've been having serious panic attacks about this. I finally broke down and started making calls this week and come to find out, it's less expensive than I thought, and I may be rushing things. I've been inquiring if these Home Daycare's have openings in October, and surprisingly, a lot don't know and have told me to call closer to the date. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders. OH and 2 people I like a lot have openings now and are willing to hold a spot if I'm interested. I'm very relieved.

THE REST OF THIS POST IS PRIVATE...Email me if you really want to read it.

Yet Another Pregnancy Blog

2006-07-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

After 34 &1/2 weeks I for some reason thought I was in the clear. Ho Hum! LOL

Yesterday I went to rub on my Palmer's stretch mark cream, as I have done daily for the past 7 months, and let out a disappointed, "Oh no." I showed Kev who looked and said, "Yup, those are stretch marks." Hrumph. I really thought I wouldn't get them because I was so overweight about a year before I got pregnant, and didn't get them then. Oh well. things we do for babies.

BY THE WAY...Cleaned the CRAP out of my bathroom on Tuesday night, including scrubbing the tub on my hands and knees. (I love that feeling of accomplishment when you see everything shine!) Anyway, something I did, or some position I was in must have put my hips / pelvis back in place. I stood up from the tub and miraculously had no more pain! All day yesterday I could walk like a normal person and was pain free. It's starting to come back now in my pelvic bone, but maybe I can imitate that position for awhile and see if that's what did it. Here's hoping!

Holy Crap!

2006-06-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

So reality is setting in, again. I now have nine weeks left in my pregnancy. In the amount of time it would take in HS to change my overall grade, I will be a mom to somebody. Whoa. I'm sorry to all of you whom I have been unavailable. I am getting pretty uncomfortable. I finally realized there's a reason pregnant women waddle. There's only so much pressure a pubic bone can handle. I'm trying not to be too miserable though. It makes Kevin feel terrible every time I remind him of the weird and sometimes painful crap your body does when you go through this. I do think I'm pretty cute as a pregnant chick, even if I do waddle. I enjoy getting asked about it by random people. I haven't had the pleasure yet of strangers reaching for my belly yet. I can't wait though. I have a plan to rub theirs right back and make them feel like tools. :) NINE WEEKS Ugh! I feel so unprepared. Not just in getting babyt stuff or getting my house in order but even mentally preparing myself. I'm now, and for the rest of my life going to be responsible for a little human. This human will go through phases that no matter what I say or do they will "hate" me. This human will look to me for guidance. Me? Have I lived enough yet to guide someone elses life? Man, I hope so. Anyway, here's my daughter again only in 3D!

Me
And...here's me a couple of weeks ago...

SONG HELP!

2006-05-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

The other day I was driving in to work, thinking about how badly I did not want to be. (That's another blog entirely). I was also feeling pretty down about a bunch of recent crap. I was listening to 88.5. It ok most of the time, but the DJ this particular morning was on a shitty music kick. I mean 3 songs in a row that I just could not stomach. I had to try something else. I switched to 970. Ugh, I want to hear some intelligent talk and I get stuck with Ted Webb and Jack Harris. That's not going to work on this day. I switch over to 93.3. I listened to the mindless dribble that is the MJ morning show for the rest of the drive.
I thought to myself that on days like these I need a CD. Not just any CD mind you, something that's inspirational. I kept playing "I Shall Not Walk Alone" by the Blind Boys of Alabama over & over in my head, wishing I was really listening to it. It would just be nice to arrive a bit inspired to my desk job once in a while. I started to daydream about what I would include on this CD, and sadly, I'm stuck. I've come up with the following list. Take into account the messages in the lyrics, and emotions meant to be evoked by these songs, and let me know what needs to be added. Thanks!
"I Shall Not Walk Alone" The Blind Boys of Alabama
"I Won't Back Down" Tom Petty
"Here Comes the Sun" The Beatles
"Fearless" Pink Floyd
"One Hundred Years" Five for Fighting
"Walking in Memphis" Mark Cohn
"I Hope You Dance" Lee Ann Womack
"Midnight Rider" The Allman Brothers Band
"Drive" Incubus
"Like a Rolling Stone" Bob Dylan
"The Remedy" Jason Mraz
"At the Bottom of Everything" Bright Eyes
"All These Things That I've Done" The Killers
"End of the Line" The Traveling Wilburys
"Fall Back Down" Rancid
(Your song here...)

This sucks...

2006-04-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

As you guys know I have been struggling with the descision of euthanizing Gandalf for a while.
This weekend was hard. As I was trying to clean the house, Gandalf was urinating just about everywhere. I finally had to put him outside, where he continued to urinate while laying in it. I tried to clean him up, but then he'd go again. It was awful. The urine was also not normal in that it seemed to be thicker than it should and had a distinct smell.

I sat down and had a cry for a while. I know it's time. He's unhappy all of the time now. Hardly even moves all day and night. I called Kevin and we agreed that it was time. I asked what he thought we should do, wait it out or scheduel the appointment. He thought the sooner the better, and that we just shouldn't prolong this.

So, I made the appointment this morning. I was pretty strong through the phone call. I told them I had never been in this situation, and that I would appreciate it if they explained it to me. It was all very clinical. The tech said it takes less than 10 seconds. I schedueled him as the first appointment, as I've heard that either the first or last is best so your vet is not rushed. I then called Kev and that's when the reality of it set in. I could tell he didn't like the finality of it. He asked if maybe we should have him evaluated first. I began to second guess myself. There were a lot of pregnant pauses. Finally, we both agreed that it was the right thing, and that we just had reservations because of the difficulty of it.

I have tonight to say goodbye. I hope that I've given him a great life. I hope I haven't let him suffer too much. We still have to decide what to do with his remains. We may request a private cremation and receive his ashes, or take him home to be buried. I left that up to Kev. I think I could handle either one, but he doesn't think he can take him back home.
Please just keep him in your thoughts for me. Whatever you believe, I'm sure this will be a relief to him. I personally think he'll be back pretty soon to enjoy being a frisky puppy again, since it's been so long since he's had that freedom.

Again, thanks for all of your support. I'm blessed to have such great friends.
Let's remember him this way. When he was healthy and happy, and would drag his mom and dad into bushes.